Cheeky Quotes

Friday, October 25, 2013

A Rant

The crisp Autumn air and leaves are a sign of holiday times.  They are also painful reminders of my going under the knife to have a baby.  
How so?
Well the chilly air causes my back to ache at times.  Oh sure, I stretch and work out and drink water and lift with my knees blah blah blah  but sometimes for no apparent reason I still have a twinge or crippling pain, whatever my back decides to do.
Frankly, I'm pissed.
My doctor did not even attempt to induce me.  He decided it would take too long since I was a first time mother, which contradicted EVERYTHING he told me leading up to my due date.  He was all "it is up to God and the baby" and then he refused to induce on a Friday so he wouldn't tie up his precious weekend.  Then he refused induction all together, claiming I was endangering my child's life.
So he cut me a new vagina above my old useless one and I have a janky back and a uterus that feels occupied, but the phantom kicks are just the surrounding organs fighting to break away from the fibrous scar tissue 17 months later.

Im done.
This is Realest Mother Dearest saying thanks for nothing Dr. Stack. Glad I contributed to the highest csection rate in the U.S. which is 40% in the great state of Louisiana.
Yes, you read it right. Almost half of all live births here are through surgery, and it is often unnecessary.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Adventures in Daycare

As the first week of daycare comes to an end, I would like to discuss my experiences.
I adjusted poorly.  And by poorly, I mean I had a mild to moderate anxiety attack. 
But as time progressed, I came to the realization that there are advantages to daycare for me and my baby girl.
So without further ado, here's *drumroll*
THE TOP FIVE ADVANTAGES OF DAYCARE FOR ADULTS
(in descending order)
#5.  Random naps on off days!!! Remember when you didn't have kids and you used to sleep just because you were sleepy? Well if you just so happen to be off work on a Tuesday (between 6 AM and 6 PM) you can do the damn thing!

#4.  Chore completion.  I have lots of chores that are kinda sorta on their way to being done, but I have the space to actually finish them.  I have folded the dried clothes, and put the folded clothes in drawers and*gasp*  I have been able to completely clean all things dirty in the house.

#3.  Workouts! Working out without fear of waking or hurting a small person is awesome! Also, completing a workout without the worry that said little one will wake up and need your immediate attention and destroy your chance to shower first.

#2.  Inappropriate media!! No more overkill on Bubble Guppies.  No Curious George. No Super Why.  Gangsta rap and trash television are yours for the taking.  Basketball Wives? Don't mind if I do!!!
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON DAYCARE IS AN ADVANTAGE FOR PARENTS:

#1.  Sex. REAL sex.  Not that old groggy sleepy hurry-up-I-go-to-work-at-5 stuff.  You can take your time, enjoy, make a sandwich afterward, smoke, I don't know what yall do, I'm just saying you can do all of that and not be all extra careful and timid.  I mean if the horror, I mean, beauty of childbirth hasn't turned you off to that sort of thing.

Well, this is RealestMotherDearest signing off.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Mimi Faust and A Mother's Love

I love trash tv, so you know I had to watch the Love and Hip Hop Reunion (part 1, ugh!) and see if it was going to be the hype.  There was cussing and screaming and a few shed tears as usual, but the one story that stuck out to me was Mimi Faust's.  She mentioned briefly that her mother chose religion over parenthood when Mimi was 13 years old.
I can't imagine having a mother for 13 years of life and then, at such a pivotal turning point, being abandoned and forced to become a woman on my own.  I did not have the best relationship with my mother as a child, and my mother is a very devout Christian.  She's not a fanatic, but she's borderline.  I can somewhat sympathize, but Scientology is a whole other animal from what I can perceive from articles and interviews.  
When I read that Mimi never saw her mother again after that day AND her mother died of cancer in 2003, my heart broke for her.  There's no chance of reconciliation in this life for them.  All Mimi has is her own relationship with her daughter and the hope that she will be better than what she had, which is also my goal.  
The main thing I thought about was how I felt the day my daughter was born.  I can't see myself turning my back on her.
I wouldn't serve a God whose mandate would lead me to do so.  I don't know Mimi personally, but I have no doubt her experience greatly impacted her personality.  There were people in her life who stepped in and helped her along the way, since no man is an island, but we are hard-wired to want that maternal bond with our own mothers, no matter how kind or understanding a friend or family member may be.  I hope she will find a measure of peace with the situation.
That's all for now.  This is Realest Mother Dearest signing off.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Preventative Maintenance

One major change in my thinking occurred when my daughter was born, and it has influenced all of my decision making. The thought of how my absence would influence her pushes me to face my fears and take even better care of myself. 
If you haven't figured it out, I am scared of going to the doctor for annual exams.  The smell of the waiting room, the white bright lights, the posters that show a life-sized example of a uterus with stage I'VE cancer.. .  I would almost rather die at home from whatever peril may be around the corner.
Almost.
I posted this link 
Signs that you have cancer: early detection is key, this could save your life. http://bit.ly/172nEfF
on my Facebook page today and decided to write about taking care of the annual visits despite our fears. Most, if not all of us, know someone who is directly affected by cancer, and age is no longer a factor.  I hate doctors.  I see them as con artists.  They give me the heebie jeebies! But if not for myself, I get my check-ups for my daughter and others who want me around.  
This is Realest Mother Dearest signing off.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Darn It All To Heck!

I had a bit of a potty mouth before I had my daughter and I still do at times. She babbles and I have not slipped up in front of her very often (terrible, I know) but I have stubbed a toe and said sh-t once or twice.  This new life has new rules and I have some choice words I use in place of the words I would go to when little ears weren't around. So I submit to you all for your consideration a substitute of less colorful words, such as:
Balderdash
Poppycock
Folly (wtf= what the folly?)
Tomfoolery 
Crock
Baloney
Devil (what the devil are you doing? You know, devil, instead of the devil's, um, house)

There are so many ways to express oneself, ways that won't result in child care options being reduced.  I'm no saint but at least I can vent my frustrations and get a laugh instead of a disapproving glare with these and other words.

Until next time, this is Realest Mother Dearest signing off.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Don't Let Booty Do Happen to You

My daughter is now 1 year old and fully weaned, so my appetite and mood are now within my control for at least 20 days a month. Operation Stripper Body has resumed as a necessary measure against my personal Taliban attack AKA Booty Do. 
What is Booty Do, you ask?
Booty Do (n.): an urban expression which describes the condition that occurs when  a woman's abdomen is so engorged with fat that it extends in imbalanced ratio to her derrière, I.E. her stomach pokes out more than her booty do(es).
I was able to live like I was not in danger of being a victim to this disorder, but after weaning my baby, my Dolly Parton knockers are gone, and my hour glass looks more like an egg. 
I'm not doing as bad as some, but I need to be restored to my former glory! 
On that note, this is Realest Mother Dearest signing off. 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

1st Momaversary

Happy Mother's Day first time moms and veterans alike. If you have an 11 month old like I do, pat yourself on the back, you made it. Let us clink our glasses to dirty diapers, sleepless nights, first teeth, first words, first steps, visits to Maw Maw's, projectile vomits, projectile poops, and uncontrolled, unprovoked giggling.  I hope you had a good day. This is Realest Mother Dearest signing off.


Saturday, May 11, 2013

What did the five fingers say to the face?

Evening friends! 
My daughter slapped me really hard in the face. My eye watered. She was almost homeless.
That's all. Realest Mother Dearest signing off.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Pimping is Easy

I have a pimp. She intimidates me and robs me of my breast milk against my will. She is so cute and her cries quickly turn to screams. 
I am a prisoner of war.
Send help!
This is Realest Mother Dearest signing off. 
😞

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Funny Money

Babies are expensive and the economy is not improving as quickly as we hoped it would. Truthfully, I have not had as hard a time as I thought I would. I have always been a savvy person, but I have become especially cautious as a result of having a totally unplanned pregnancy.  Check out my article here http://voices.yahoo.com/get-organized-grip-12098595.html on ways you too can  stretch your pennies.  
That's all for now. This is Realest Mother Dearest signing off. As always, comment below and leave suggestions. Good, bad or ugly, I want your feedback!

Monday, May 6, 2013

A Bit of a Tit: The War Continues

In the quest to wean my daughter I was bitten. Hard. Directly on the nipple. Skin was missing.
I knew I had to take drastic action.
My actions thus far have been semi-aggressive but I kicked them up a notch.
I have kinda been force-feeding my baby with food and formula. Not in a hostile way, but in a very stern, structured way. I offer her the formula after the meal. If I can get at least two ounces in her (not on her) I satiate her with a little mom milk. It seems to be working; it's less of a fight during meal time.
My nipple is healing thanks to Medela nipple cream.
I'm still open to suggestions. She has tooth #9 (help me!).
Until next time, this is Realest Mother Dearest signing off. Please comment below with suggestions!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The Mammary Battle Continues.....

.....and it is mostly uphill.  I survived the food strike.  My daughter is now back on solids.  Her newest tactic is to avoid drinking anything other than water out of her sippy cup.  When I attempted to offer her a heaping helping of almond milk, she looked at me with contempt.  My faith is weakening but I mustn't give up!  I will have my wine again!  She is becoming very picky.  She now despises jar food and fresh food must be blended with fruit.  She will attempt feeding herself at first, but the nipple is her go-to.  I have even employed some low-blow warfare with no success.  I baked a delicious black eyed pea casserole and I diced up two (count 'em, TWO) large jalapeno peppers to add to the recipe.  I also added a half a bottle of Tabasco to the mix.  I love spice, but this wasn't about me.  My hope was to disrupt the flavor of my milk and devastate her delicate palate, thus traumatizing her to ne'er want mothers milk ever more.
She got gas and fell asleep.
*sigh*
Welp, this is a discouraged yet determined mother dearest signing off.
Please, if you have any advice, any at all, please leave it below.  I am desperate.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Operation 86 the Mommy Milk

Breastfeeding is a beautiful process.  In addition to all of the health benefits for baby, it is a bonding experience. I will remember it for the rest of my life.

Now that I have gotten all the pleasantries out of the way, I can say where I am in the process.

MY DAUGHTER HAS 7 TEETH AND IS ABOUT TO BE 1 YEAR OLD!

I need the madness to stop. Like, ASAP.

I looked up several articles on effectively weaning an infant, and the common thread they seem to share is the child is  to chose when he/she is ready.

You mean to tell me I have to will my schedule over to the titty tyrant?! No bet.

I am employing many different methods and you guys will be the first to know how it goes.  She seems to realize I am offering a sippy  cup more often than the breast and has been on a 3-day food strike.

I am open to any advice so feel free to comment.  Unless you say I need to give in for another year.  I can't.  I miss wine.

Also, I am still reviewing scar/stretch mark products for giveaways.  I will let you guys know when I find something worth sharing.   I am still compiling information for my  blog on traveling with a baby, so be on the lookout for that as well.

Until next time, this is Realest Mother Dearest signing off.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Penny Pinching

Let's face it: even though I love my little one, the love  in my heart does not distract me from the strain on my budget.  As the great Eugene Krabs would say, I have a strange feeling in the pit of me wallet. 
(I have been watching Spongebob a lot these days)
That being said, I have been finding ways to expand the rainy day fund.  
One way is a good old-fashioned piggy bank.  Putting whatever lose change I have in the porcelain pigbelly isn't the most unique idea, but it is definitely a simple way to start, and every little bit helps.
Of course there are stocks, bonds, CDs, etc., but for those of us who aren't able to invest a sizeable lump sum just yet, there are incentive programs such as UPromise to look into.  In most cases, all you have to do is enroll your debit card and shop as usual. Some restrictions apply, but for the most part you are building your nest egg through ordinary purchases like fuel and groceries. I will go in depth in another blog.
Until next time, this is Realest Mother Dearest signing off.
OAN: I planned on giving away silicone scar sheets, but after 8 weeks of faithfully following the instructions to the letter, I am not impressed with the results.  I will be testing another product  for a future contest.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Over the River and Through the Woods....

My baby girl and I will be making a long-distance voyage to see my family next weekend, so as all first-time mommies do in this situation, I bought stuff. Lots, and lots, and lots of stuff. A collapsible bathtub, extra onesies, extra pajamas, snacks, socks, toiletries and I'm going to buy an inflatable baby bed Sunday. Why, you ask? Because I'm scared "witless" at the idea of being ill prepared and miles away from home with an 8 month old. I will be on the road for 3 1/2 hours only to meet my family and trek several more hours in their vehicle. My little one is resilient but when she is fed up, she lets you know. LOUDLY!
All in all, I'm sure it will be fine. I will keep you guys posted on how things go.
This is Realest Mother Dearest signing off. Please feel free to comment and suggest topics for future posts.